Good communication is boring…but it works.

I’m a marriage and family therapist, so I talk about communication all the time. And, honestly, there is nothing exciting about good communication; I mean other than the fact that you actually communicate well with someone that matters to you. So, if that does it for you, then you’re in luck, but if you want drama, good communication is not the way to get it.

You might be asking, what is good communication? Basically, it is walking away from a conversation where you have been understood and have understood the other person/s. How often does that happen? Umm…basically, never! Because it takes work, and a lot of patience, to make this happen.

There is a time in every conversation (at least every bad conversation) where each person has the option to make it better or continue to let it spiral. That moment is the time to begin using this phrase! When you feel your defensiveness and anxiety growing, get ready to use this communication strategy because that is the moment I’m talking about here. Now then, you can alway start using this, but it will be un-natural and contrived, but ignore that. It’s more important to communicate well than to worry about being “that person.”

So, let me give you this key phrase, and tell you how to use it, combined it will go a long way in developing your ability to communicate well with your partner. Ready?

“What I hear you saying is…”

To use this well, you need to summarize what it is you understand the other person to have said BEFORE you start talking. If you got it wrong, allow them to clarify and keep listening. This is a back and forth, so you need to make sure that you have understood them before you reply. A huge amount of problems between partners are solved right here. By truly understanding your partner you keep yourself from being upset by something they aren’t even saying AND how awesome is it when your partner fully understands you? This simple practice not only allows your partner to communicate their thoughts and feelings effectively, but it develops deep feelings of care and intimacy because they have been heard and understood by the person who is most important to them!

Now, this will make your conversations take much more time, but they will be MUCH better! Conversations will be much less stressful, with less yelling and crying, and you will both walk away feeling better because you are understood by the other.

If you find yourself still yelling, screaming, and crying, will you call me and set up an appointment? That’s my wheelhouse. Not only do I enjoy watching couples argue (like, grab my popcorn enjoy it), but I have lots of Kleenex and would love to help your communication with your significant other!