Take out the “…but…”
As a family therapist, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard something like this, “You’re great, but…” and then the sentence ends with something that hurts? I’m sure we’ve all had some version of that happen to us. I think that it stings more, the last part of the sentence, when it comes with the first part and it totally disqualifies the first part of the sentence. That’s the real harm.
Think about it this way, if I give you a hug and then slap your face, which one is going to stick with you more, physically and emotionally? The sting of the slap will last much longer than the feeling of the hug and the thoughts and emotions that come with it will overpower the good that comes from the embrace. Using the “but” way of communication is the same.
I understand, we sometimes have hard things to say to others and they need to be said, but (see what I did there) stinging admonishments need not come with a kiss to start. So, how do we take this way of communicating out of our repertoire? What I suggest is this: just say the hard thing. It’s good to preface it and let someone know it’s coming, “I have something to say and it might be hard to hear.” It doesn’t have to be long or drawn out, but we should extend this courteously to others before we tell them a difficult thing to hear. Then, just say it: “I was disappointed today by…”. It might be hard to hear, but at least we’re not disqualifying some important truth that they also need to know.
The more important truth isn’t overshadowed in this scenario. It is just as important, I’d argue it’s more important, that whomever your speaking to know that they have value, worth, and you see those things in them than whatever negative thing your pointing out at that moment.
I’m trying this with my kiddos, specifically, and I think it just conveys my thoughts and feelings better. I have disconnected “I love you” from “but” when talking with my them. I want my messages to be clear. I love them and they have value and worth (period). I don’t want to send any mixed messages with that message. I certainly don’t want to disqualify that extremely important message with something silly like, “but it frustrates me when your room is dirty.” In the grand scheme of their life, I could give a shit about their room being dirty, BUT I deeply desire that they know I love them.
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