Brené Brown in a genius!

I’m a couples therapist, so you’ll hear me talk a lot on this blog about communication for partners. Ways that couples can communicate better in order to have a more functional AND more intimate relationship. The truth is, if you don’t communicate with each other, the wheels are gonna fall off. Maybe that’s what you want, but for most, we want great relationships with our significant other. Good communication has so much to do with that, so we’re gonna talk about it again today.

I want to be clear here, I’m not perfect! I don’t always communicate well with my spouse (especially when my phone is in my hands). No one gets this every time! This is a classic case of, “Do what I say and not what I do.” Disclaimer over.

So, I was watching a Brené Brown talk (I think it was her Netflix special) and she told a story about herself and her spouse. I won't tell the whole story, but basically they were not communicating well because of his anxiety from a situation. His anxiety was keeping him from hearing her and blocking her bid for connection. Finally, his anxiety dissipated and he snapped out of it, finally hearing her. During that interaction, she used a phrase to help him understand her inner thoughts that were resulting from his lack of attention to her bids for connection. It was pure gold! The phrase:

“The story I’m telling myself is…”

This phrase might not seem like much, but it opens a world up that is cut off from your partner. This phrase says, “Here are my inner thoughts and feelings , right now.” Our partners can’t know these things unless we are vulnerable and open this door up for them. When we do, we give them insight into ourselves that allows them to know us more fully. That, in turn, allows them to hear us, understand us, and respond to us in a way that, hopefully, shows more empathy and caring.

It might look like this:

“Honey, you said that you don’t care where we go for our anniversary dinner and when I hear that, the story I tell myself is that our marriage is not important enough to put effort into. That means I’m not important enough; I’m not worthy of effort.”

If I’m your partner, that works much better in a conversation than, “Fine, we just won’t do anything.” Followed by a full month of an iceberg like cold shoulder. Hopefully, your partner not only understands how important it is for you that something special happens but also understands why it’s important. That information allows them to respond in a more informed manner that expresses those important actions of empathy and caring.

So, next time your spouse unknowingly hurts you with their words or with their inattention to your bid for connection, try this phrase. It might surprise you how it allows you and your partner to communicate more fully and how it helps your level of connection in your closest of relationships.